I shouldn't be feeling like this,I was sitting in the specialists consulting room, he had a Macmillan nurse with him. Derek my husband was just been given his diagnosis, he had been unwell for about three months' It started with him experiencing acute abdominal pain, then his abdomen swelled up. But it wasn't till he started vomiting that he went to the Dr, then he started to go yellow. The Dr was quite concerned and referred him to the Hospital specialist. Since then he'd had various tests, now it was time for the results.Mr Wilson the specialist was saying he had a malignant tumour of the liver, which was inoperable. How long have I got asked Derek, Well it varies Mr Wilson was saying , but I would expect between three and six month's. I held his hand because they would expect me to give him my support, I was trembling I think Derek thought it was because I was so upset with the diagnosis. But actually I felt such a sense of relief, it was like a get out clause. I must listen to what they are saying , they were telling us about support groups, but Derek said that he had me so that's all he needed. They said they would give him something for pain and that a Macmillan nurse would visit just to keep an eye on things, and see if we were coping. I looked across at Derek he looked to be struggling to concentrate, I suppose he was thinking about what his life was going to be like,He had always been in control of his destiny, but now that would be different. I felt for him he looked beaten but we'd see he'd just had a shock.
Then we were outside we didn't speak much their wasn't anything left to say. We just went home and I made a nice cup of tea.
They said the Marriage wouldn't last, but they didn't realise how stubborn I was, I believed marriage was for life so I just had to make the best of it. Like a lot of men in the fifties they were the boss and Wives had to do has they were told. It's all different now of course, a good job too I wouldn't want my girls to go through what I had. He always worked hard though I had to give him that.
When he came home he expected his Dinner on the table, the kids had to be quiet and pay him respect, but kids aren't like that are they. So of course they upset him and he'd start shouting at them and me. It was always my fault I didn't know how to raise them. We had three girls and one boy so it was difficult to keep them quiet they were always squabbling with each other.
Then he'd go out to the pub, it was a relief really. I'd get all the Kids to bed and have his slippers waiting for him in front of the fire and a cup of Cocoa ready for him.Sometimes he'd be full of praise for me but other times I could do nothing right. he would belt me then and shut me out of the bedroom. I didn't mind that at least he wouldn't be pawing me.
I learnt to lookout for the children protecting them from him.
Then one by one they got married and I was left alone with him. I had been dreading the time when they would all have moved out, but it was inevitable of course they grow up and move on.
Now it was all different he needed me to look after him. But now I could dream about what I'd do when he'd gone, it was hard to believe that in six month's time he should be gone but I wouldn't be surprised if he defied medical science and recover from it.
I hope he doesn't suffer much I wouldn't wish that on anyone.The children couldn't take it in he'd always been so strong, they asked if I needed help but I said no, now he was so vulnerable i could cope, I didn't need to be frightened of him any more.Isn't life funny their really is a season for everything I think my time is just beginning.The treatment upset his system sometimes and he'd get the runs and he would feel humiliated , well I think you get your comeuppance for what you've done well I think he's got his now.
He's looking really yellow now, even the whites of his eyes are.and the weight his just falling off him, I can't believe how he's changed he's just shrinking before my eyes.Derek was always a big man and had a kind of presence with him.But now he looks like an old man.He gets muddled sometimes I think he's frightened of dying maybe he'll have to answer for how he's been
We've made all the arrangements it feels strange organising his Funeral when he's still here. They asked if I wanted him to go into an Hospice but \I said no after all I promised to care for him till death us do part, so that's what I'll do, I'll keep my side of the bargain.
I was just sitting dreaming of what I'd do after he'd gone.I thought I might get a little dog, Derek would never let us have one, so I rang the R S PC A and they said they would come and see if our house was suitable. When they came he was asleep luckily has I don't Know how I would have explained their visit. She went away happy and said she'd be in touch.
Well he's gone now,I couldn't quite believe it, he went to sleep and just slipped away like.It was a quiet Funeral not many people had kept in touch when he became ill. The Children were all there of course.I don't know how I would have managed without them. It was a simple funeral the Vicar had asked what he was like, well I couldn't tell him that, so I just told him what he wanted to hear.
It feels quiet now every one has gone the Children wanted me to stay with one of them , but I said no I would enjoy the quietness.
I'm really excited I'm going to look at a rescue dog, its a King Charles Spaniel They said its a delightful dog its called Lucy and she's been ill treated Well I know all about that, I think we'll be just right for each other. I collected her and bought a new bed for her and some food and toys. She'll be spoiled rotten you know, but we will have a good life together.
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